FOUR FOR FRIDAY 47: RELATIONSHIPS
“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
— Socrates
Coming Together
This week’s FOURM blog focuses on practical ways couples can strengthen their connection—exploring shared values, co-regulating through challenges, aligning goals, and asking the deeper “why” behind your choices. These exercises and strategies are designed to help you grow intentionally, communicate more effectively, and create a thriving partnership.
1. Couples Goals & Values
Many of you may have used values cards or completed a values chart before. One practice I’ve found especially helpful—both personally and in relationships—is creating a values chart together as a couple, but only after first completing one individually.
Here’s how it works:
Identify your own top five values.
Brainstorm 1–3 concrete ways to bring each value into your daily life. For example, if your top five are adventure, honesty, authenticity, self-love, and fun, you might attend a live sporting event every two weeks, or schedule a monthly hangout with a friend who brings out your playful side.
Have your partner do the same.
Come together to create a shared top five as a couple.
This is where it gets interesting. Say one of your values is fun and your partner’s is intimacy. How could you create an activity that blends both? Perhaps dancing together, watching a movie every other week, or finding another shared ritual that honors both values.
The goal is to build awareness of individual values, then find the overlap and co-create activities that bring both of your values to life. I’d love to hear how this practice goes—what values arise, what overlaps you discover, and the activities you create together.
2. Co-Regulation
One of the most helpful things my partner and I have discovered—especially during challenges—is intentional co-regulation. Co-regulation is the process of calming and steadying our nervous systems together, so we can return to a place where meaningful conversation and connection are possible.
Sometimes it’s simple: sitting quietly side by side, holding hands, or leaning into physical touch. Other times, it’s shared movement: walking, hiking, or biking. Even shared downtime—like cooking a meal or watching a movie—can create the rhythm and safety needed to regulate.
Breathwork is another powerful tool. Syncing your breath for a few minutes creates attunement, and gentle humming, toning, or listening to calming music can reset the nervous system.
Scale check-ins are also helpful when words fail. For example:
“I’m at a 4” → calm and grounded
“I’m at a 7” → anxious or activated
This helps both partners meet in the middle and attune to each other’s needs.
Other co-regulation practices include:
Rhythmic movement: walking side by side, swaying, or dancing
Shared rituals: morning coffee together, lighting a candle before a conversation
Eye gazing: a simple yet powerful signal of safety
Play and laughter: telling jokes, watching something funny, or being silly together
3. Directional Goals & Relationship Reviews
Sometimes relationships benefit from what I like to call a “performance review.” Don’t worry—it’s not about HR reports. Think of it as a ritual to pause, check in, and realign as a couple. The vibe matters: make it fun. Pour coffee on a Sunday morning, grab a glass of wine, or take a walk together. The goal is connection, not critique.
Why directional goals matter:
They help ensure both partners are on the same page.
They provide clarity on where you’re heading—both individually and as a couple.
They create a sense of partnership and accountability.
Frequency: Once per quarter is often enough. A client told me he and his partner hold a “business review” every three months to discuss:
How are we doing?
Where are we going?
What are our goals?
Are we moving toward them?
How can we take intentional steps forward?
Sample Questions for a Relationship Performance Review:
Connection & Satisfaction
On a scale of 1–10, how connected do you feel to me lately?
What’s one thing I’ve done recently that made you feel loved or appreciated?
Is there anything you’ve been craving more of from me?
Communication & Conflict
How would you rate our communication recently?
What do I do during conflict that helps or hinders you?
Shared Goals & Direction
Where do you see us in one year? Five years?
Are we aligned on big-picture goals (career, family, finances, personal growth)?
Is there something new you’d like to try or pursue together?
Daily Life & Teamwork
How balanced are our responsibilities?
Where could I step up more, or where do you want more support?
What daily or weekly ritual could make life smoother or more connected?
Intimacy & Play
How satisfied are you with our intimacy?
Is there something new or different you’d like to explore together?
Are we making enough room for play and laughter?
Growth & Appreciation
In what ways have we grown as a couple since our last check-in?
What’s something about me you appreciate but haven’t told me?
How can I be a better partner moving forward?
Suggested Structure
Appreciations (5-10 min) – Share 1–2 things you’ve appreciated about each other as of recently.
Goal Alignment (30-60 min) – Using questions above, work through collaboratively.
End with Play (5-10 min) – Make each other laugh, plan your next date, or share something you’re excited about doing together.
Think of this as a gentle recalibration—just like revisiting personal goals, checking in on relationship goals helps you stay aligned, connected, and moving in the same direction. Couples can do this on their own or with the support of a relationship therapist.
4. Asking “Why” Questions
Have you ever stopped to wonder why you want certain things? Why be a parent? Why own a dog? Why buy a house?
It’s easy to do things because they’re expected—or because “everyone else is doing it.” But pausing to ask why can reveal what truly drives your choices—and it’s a fun, insightful practice to do with your partner.
Example questions:
Why do you want to have kids?
Why do you want to get married?
Why do you want to spend weekends hiking?
A useful tool here is the “Five Whys” exercise: ask “why” five times, digging deeper with each answer.
Example:
I want to be a father.
Why? → Because it would give me a sense of purpose.
Why is purpose important? → Because without it, life can feel empty.
Why would fatherhood give you purpose? → Because it helps me feel I’m leaving a legacy.
Why is leaving a legacy meaningful? → Because it connects me to something bigger than myself.
The goal isn’t to judge your answers—or your partner’s—but to get curious. Exploring your “whys” provides awareness and intentionality, so you make choices from clarity rather than autopilot.
Conclusion
Intentionality is at the heart of thriving—both individually and as a couple. Co-regulating together, revisiting directional goals, and asking the deeper “why” behind your choices are powerful tools that help you move from autopilot to awareness.
Relationships, like our bodies, flourish when we show up consistently, thoughtfully, and with curiosity. Small, mindful practices—whether it’s aligning your values, syncing your breath, or checking in on your shared goals—compound over time, building a partnership that’s resilient, joyful, and deeply connected.
Take a moment this week to reflect, experiment, and engage in one of these exercises with your partner. Every intentional step brings you closer to a relationship that not only survives—but has the potential to thrive.
