FOUR FOR FRIDAY 35: RELATIONSHIPS
“The Couple Bubble.”
1. Stan Tatkin & The Couple Bubble
Who is Stan Tatkin?
Stan Tatkin is a clinical psychologist, couples therapist, and creator of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT). He combines neuroscience, attachment theory, and arousal regulation to help couples build secure, lasting relationships. His work is all about making love feel safe, stable, and deeply connected.
What is the Couple Bubble?
Tatkin’s Couple Bubble is a mutual agreement between partners to protect the relationship and prioritize each other’s well-being. It’s a shared sense of “we’ve got each other’s backs.” In this bubble, partners create a secure space where trust can grow, conflicts are resolved quickly, and both people feel emotionally safe and supported.
How can my partner and I do this?
Check in daily – Ask, “How are we doing?” not just “How are you doing?”
Be each other's largest supporters– Defend your partner in public, even if you disagree in private.
Repair with health of the relationship in mind – We’re trying to figure this out TOGETHER. Not me vs you but us against the issue.
Make joint agreements – Talk about what builds safety and security, as well as what breaks it and how to prevent or mitigate that.
Additional resources
Start with Tatkin’s book Wired for Love, or check out his talks and interviews online. His website www.thepactinstitute.com also offers articles, courses, and resources for couples and therapists alike.
2. PACT: Psychobiological Approach To Couple Therapy
What is PACT?
PACT stands for Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy, developed by Dr. Stan Tatkin. It’s a therapeutic model that draws from neuroscience, attachment theory, and arousal regulation (how we manage our stress and emotional states). The goal? To help couples build secure-functioning relationships—where both people feel safe, connected, and supported.
Where Did It Start?
Tatkin developed PACT through years of studying the brain, attachment styles, and interpersonal neurobiology. He noticed that traditional therapy often missed how quickly couples can get triggered—especially under stress. So, he created a dynamic, in-the-moment method that helps couples stay regulated, attuned, and responsive to each other.
What Does It Look Like in Therapy?
PACT therapy is interactive. A PACT therapist may:
Observe how you and your partner sit, react, and respond to each other in real time
Gently interrupt patterns like defensiveness or shutdown to help partners attune better
Help you notice and shift unconscious habits (e.g., eye-rolling, freezing, looking away)
Focus on body language, tone, timing—essentially, the subtle stuff that affects safety
Couples often sit facing each other (not the therapist) to practice real-time connection, repair, and co-regulation. It’s more like a relationship lab than a lecture.
How Can You and Your Partner Start Using PACT Principles at Home?
Prioritize the relationship – Ask: “Is what I’m about to do or say good for us?”
Regulate each other – If one of you is dysregulated (angry, shut down, anxious), the other steps in to help calm and reconnect, instead of escalating or withdrawing.
Practice “Secure-Functioning” Agreements – Like:
We don’t threaten the relationship
We work at finding a solution to the problem, not proving the other wrong
We respond to bids for connection and create agreements on those
Create a couple bubble – As mentioned earlier, this is your mutual safety net where both of you agree to put your bond as a priority.
3. Somatic Healing in Relationships
Somatic healing means working with the body—not just the mind—to process, connect, and heal. In relationships, this means becoming aware of how your nervous system, body sensations, and physical presence shape the way you connect, attune, and respond to your partner.
Most of what happens between partners is nonverbal—it’s in your tone, tension, facial expressions, proximity, and micro-movements. Before you even speak, your body is already communicating safety, threat, or distance. That’s why learning to track and work with your body is key to relational health.
How the Nervous System Shapes Connection
Your nervous system has one job: keep you safe. In relationship, this can backfire when your brain and body perceive the other as the threat (even when they’re not).
There are 3 main states (via Polyvagal Theory):
Safe & Social (regulated): Open, connected, curious.
Fight/Flight (sympathetic): Defensive, angry, anxious.
Freeze/Shutdown (dorsal vagal): Numb, shut down, withdrawn.
The goal of somatic healing is to spend more time in “safe & social”—especially with your partner.
How to Practice Somatic Healing Together
Co-Regulate Before You Communicate
When tensions rise, instead of jumping into problem-solving, pause and ask:
"Can we settle first?"
Use a calming activity: eye contact, gentle touch, synchronized breathing, or just sitting quietly with soft attention.
Attune to Your Partner’s Body Cues
Start noticing your partner’s:
Breath rate
Posture
Facial tension
Eye contact
Tone and pacing of speech
Mirror their rhythm or soften yours to invite safety. Ask: "Are you feeling settled right now?" Or: "What do you need to feel a little more okay in this moment?"
Track Your Own Sensations
Build somatic self-awareness with these check-ins:
Where do I feel tension right now?
Is my jaw clenched, chest tight, stomach fluttering?
Am I holding my breath?
Just noticing starts to regulate the nervous system. From there, you can shift: Try grounding (feet on the floor), a deep sigh, or placing your hand on your chest.
Somatic Touch and Presence
Healing can happen just by being physically present and safe with each other. Try:
Holding each other while breathing slowly
Lying chest-to-chest in silence
Rubbing each others hands while breathing
Touch becomes a co-regulator—a way to say, “You’re safe with me,” without words.
How to Attune to Your Caregiver Somatically (and Rewire Old Patterns)
If your early caregivers weren’t emotionally or physically attuned, your body might still brace or disconnect in relationships. Healing this looks like:
Letting your partner become a secure base—noticing when they are present, gentle, and safe
Allowing your body to receive care without flinching, shrinking, or deflecting
Naming your body’s old habits (e.g., “I tend to freeze when I feel misunderstood”) and choosing new ones with support
Over time, this rewires your nervous system to associate connection with safety—not danger.
To Start This Work on Your Own or Together:
Try somatic practices like TRE (Tension & Trauma Release Exercises), Somatic Experiencing, yoga, or breathwork
Read “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk, “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller or “Anchored” by Deb Dana for trauma-informed relational healing
Explore therapy or coaching with a somatic or PACT-trained practitioner
Most importantly: Slow down. Track your body. Invite your partner to do the same.
4. What is TRE (Tension & Trauma Release Exercises)?
TRE is a somatic healing method developed by Dr. David Berceli, a trauma recovery expert. It’s designed to help the body naturally release deep muscular patterns of stress, tension, and trauma—especially those stored in the psoas and core muscles (our primal “fight/flight” zones).
The magic of TRE is that it uses a series of gentle movements to intentionally activate the body’s natural tremor mechanism—a shaking or vibrating response that mammals (including humans) use to discharge stress and return to a regulated, calm state.
Think of it as shaking off stress—literally.
Where Did It Come From?
Dr. Berceli developed TRE while working in war zones and disaster areas, observing how trauma impacted people across cultures. He noticed that spontaneous shaking during or after trauma was often suppressed, even though it helped the body process and release fear. So he created a safe, structured way to let the body do what it naturally wants to do: shake, release, and reset.
Benefits of TRE
Releases chronic tension stored in the body
Calms the nervous system and supports trauma recovery
Helps reduce anxiety, sleep issues, and emotional reactivity
Deepens the body’s capacity to self-regulate and co-regulate with others
How to Do TRE (Solo or With a Partner)
The Basic TRE Sequence (7 Steps)
You do this on a yoga mat, barefoot, in comfy clothes. It takes about 15–30 minutes.
Ankle Stretch (to fatigue the legs slightly)
Sit or stand, and stretch one ankle at a time—10–15 seconds per foot.Calf Raises
Stand and slowly rise up onto your toes, then lower back down. Do this until you feel your calves begin to gently shake or tire (about 1–2 minutes).Wall Sit (Quads Activation)
Slide down a wall like you're sitting in a chair. Hold 1–2 minutes or until your legs start to tremble.Butterfly Stretch
Sit with feet together, knees open. Lean slightly forward and let the inner thighs gently stretch and fatigue.Bridge Pose to Pelvic Tilt
Lie on your back, knees bent, feet flat. Lift your hips into a bridge pose, then gently lower and begin a small tilting motion at the pelvis. This helps activate tremors in the psoas and core.Induce the Tremor (The Shaking Begins)
Lie on your back with knees bent and touching (feet wide apart). Let your knees “fall in” toward each other, creating a gentle inward pressure. Hold for 3–5 minutes—or until your legs begin to shake involuntarily.Ride the Wave
Let the shaking move through your legs, hips, spine, arms—wherever it wants to go. Don’t control it. Just breathe, relax, and allow the release.
Video example can be found here or check out David Berceli’s official site for virtual classes and certified practitioners.
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