FOUR FOR FRIDAY 41: RELATIONSHIPS
“True commitment is choosing each other over and over again.”
— John M. Gottman, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
The Four Rules of Relationship Satisfaction: A Guide to Growing Together
In every meaningful relationship—whether romantic, platonic, or somewhere in between—there are key ingredients that help love not just survive, but thrive. This blog explores four essential rules that support long-term connection: Direction, Effort, Commitment, and Love. Drawing from personal insight and research by relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, this post offers support towards building a relationship that grows stronger over time.
1. Direction: Are You Growing Together?
For a relationship to thrive, both partners need to be heading in the same direction. This doesn’t mean you must have identical goals, but your values, dreams, and life paths should align enough to support mutual growth.
Ask yourselves:
Where are we going as individuals and as a couple?
Are our values and visions compatible?
Can we compromise when our paths diverge?
When partners grow in different directions without communication or compromise, disconnection often follows. Shared direction creates a foundation for long-term connection.
2. Effort: Are You Both Showing Up?
Effort is the heartbeat of any relationship. It’s not just about grand gestures—it’s about consistency, presence, and mutual investment.
Consider:
Are both partners contributing equally, emotionally and practically?
Is one person carrying more of the emotional labor?
Are you communicating your needs clearly?
Unequal effort can lead to resentment, which may manifest as avoidance, anxiety, or defensiveness. Healthy relationships require both people to show up, even when it’s hard.
3. Commitment: Are You In This Together?
Commitment means choosing each other through the highs and lows. It’s about staying connected even when things get tough and continuing to seek your shared “north star.”
Ask:
Are we both committed to working through challenges?
Do we return to each other with curiosity and care?
Are we building a future together, not just coexisting?
Commitment isn’t just a vow—it’s a daily decision to keep growing, healing, and showing up for one another.
4. Love: Are You Seeing the Best in Each Other?
Love is more than a feeling—it’s a practice. It’s about maintaining positive regard, even in conflict. Think of love as a spectrum from -5 (deep resentment) to +5 (deep connection).
Reflect on:
Where do you fall on that scale today?
Are you seeing your partner through a lens of appreciation or criticism?
Are you turning toward or away from connection?
Drawing from Dr. John Gottman’s research, love thrives when we:
Build love maps (know each other deeply)
Share fondness and admiration
Turn toward bids for connection
Maintain a positive perspective
Manage conflict constructively
Support each other’s dreams
Create shared meaning
Avoiding the “Four Horsemen” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) is essential to keeping love alive.
Final Thoughts:
Healthy relationships don’t just happen—they’re built through shared direction, mutual effort, deep commitment, and intentional love. These four rules aren’t rigid—they’re reminders to check in, realign, and keep choosing each other.
