FOUR FOR FRIDAY 53: SELF
“The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”
— Socrates
FOURM: SELF
Wellness isn’t something that happens by accident—it’s something we build intentionally, one choice at a time. In a world full of distractions and demands, staying grounded requires more than good intentions; it requires skill, structure, and meaning. Over the years, I’ve learned that mental health and well-being are not passive states—they’re active practices.
This week, I want to share four principles that have helped me and many of my clients create a foundation for wellness: Focus Training, Cascading Goals, Rituals for Achievement, and Knowing Your Why. Each of these points offers a practical way to move from feeling stuck to feeling aligned with what matters most.
1. Focus Training
I recently heard a statement in a training that made me chuckle:
“You probably don’t have ADHD—you just haven’t learned to train your focus.”
It struck me because it reframed something we often overlook: mental health is a skill. Focus is a skill. Mindfulness is a skill. Well-being itself is skillful. Yet it’s easy in the age of instant gratification to expect to feel better without doing the sustainable and committed work, that makes those feelings possible over time.
Think about anything in your life that thrives—plants, relationships, pets, careers. Why do they thrive? Because they receive consistent attention. Where we pour our focus, things tend to grow. Where we neglect, things tend to dwindle.
One quote that sticks with me is:
“Your life reflects back to you what you focus on.”
So ask yourself:
Where are you putting your focus?
How much of your focus are you putting there?
What strategies, routines, or rituals help you care for these priorities automatically?
We all get the same 24 hours. The difference lies in how each individual spends them—and how we reduce decision fatigue by creating habits, routines, and rituals that keep us aligned with what matters most.
Focus isn’t about doing more; it’s about doing what matters with intention. When you train your focus, you change your life.
2. Cascading and Setting Goals Toward Achievement
One concept I often use in practice is what I call cascading. It’s a technique that helps uncover the layers beneath an emotion or experience by stacking everything that might be contributing to it.
Here’s what it looks like:
Start with a feeling—say, sadness—and then ask, What’s underneath that? Keep peeling back the layers until you reach the root causes.
Just the other day, I worked with a client who said she felt sad. As we explored, we discovered that some of her sadness came from boredom. That boredom came from monotony. And that monotony was tied to a lack of hobbies, activities, or meaningful projects.
This reminded me of a principle Jordan Peterson mentions in 12 Rules for Life: when we’re down, sick, or depressed, our ailments often become the center of our world. We stop caring for others, stop nurturing friendships, and lose sight of responsibilities or higher callings. Without something bigger than ourselves, life can feel meaningless—and that meaninglessness cascades into sadness.
Here’s how the cascade looked:
Feeling sad → came from feeling bored
Feeling bored → came from monotony
Monotony → came from no higher calling or meaningful tasks
Lack of meaning → led to sadness and depression
So what’s the remedy? Dedicate yourself to something. Pick a project that’s been calling your attention and pour into it daily or frequently.
For me, one way I do this is through reading. Books expand my knowledge, teach me about character development, and help me understand motives, meaning, and resilience. Books have a beginning and an end, and the only way to finish is one word at a time. Words become pages, pages become chapters, chapters become stories.
Apply this same methodology to life:
Big accomplishments happen one step at a time
Steps create movement
Movement creates change
Change creates transformation
There’s no shortcut—just like hiking or running. You can’t cheat a hike; you have to put one foot in front of the other. Along the way, you’ll encounter grit, discipline, joy, pain, and ultimately, completion. That’s why I love activities that mirror these foundations—they teach us that progress is built through consistent, intentional steps.
3. You Get Out What You Put In
Let me say what many hesitate to: therapists are not genies. We can’t magically fix someone’s life or do the work they’re unwilling to do for themselves.
What we can do is powerful—we can name patterns, put words to experiences, expand ideas, and dive deeper into complexities. We can offer tools, resources, listening, reflection, and strategies tailored to your challenges. But ultimately, we cannot do your work for you.
So what does “work” mean? The Oxford Dictionary defines it as:
“Activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.”
In therapy, that means developing a goal and creating realistic, sustainable steps toward achieving it. And here’s the truth: that’s not solely the therapist’s task. Therapy is a partnership—a dance. You move, I move with you. If I step too far, you bring me back. Together, we navigate what’s happening for you in real time.
This is a joint journey and life is the “play-doh” that we can shape, mold and work with. The therapist is a guide, a resource, a mirror, and a detective—but you are the one who walks the path. The progress you make will always reflect the effort invested.
If you want change, you have to show up for it. Because in therapy—and in life—you truly get out what you put in, on and off the couch.
4. What’s Your Why?
Speaking of books, I was reminded today of an all-time classic: Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. In it, Frankl shares a timeless truth:
“A man with a why can overcome almost any how.”
This quote resonates deeply, especially when connected to the previous points. If your “why” lacks depth or true legs to it, whatever stands on top of it will likely crumble under pressure. I’m speaking to myself as much as anyone here, because it seems essential that we continually reestablish our why and plant it in soil rich with purpose.
If the thing you’re pursuing isn’t foundational to your reason for being alive, it will feel optional, even unnecessary. Think about basic needs: none of us forget to eat, drink water, or sleep for long periods. Why? Because these are non-negotiable for survival. While not every goal will be that critical, the ones that matter most should connect to something deeper, something that brings deep satisfaction, purpose, achievement, pride and joy.
So pause and ask yourself:
Why are you doing this?
Who are you doing this for?
Why does this matter?
What makes this extraordinarily important ?
If your why is strong, it becomes the anchor that holds you steady through challenges. Without it, even small obstacles can feel overwhelming. Reevaluate your why often. Make sure it’s rooted in something that truly matters—because when your why is clear, the how becomes possible.
Closing Reflection/ Resources
Wellness isn’t a destination, it’s a rhythm, a series of intentional steps that shape the way we live and experience life. When you train your focus, set cascading goals, create habits that reduce decision fatigue, and root your actions in a strong “why,” you build resilience that lasts.
Start small. Pick one principle and apply it today. Over time, these practices compound into meaningful change. If you’re looking for inspiration, books like Atomic Habits by James Clear, Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, and 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson offer powerful insights into building habits, finding purpose, and creating structure.
Remember: your life reflects back what you focus on. So choose wisely, act intentionally, and keep moving toward the version of yourself you want to become.
Disclaimer: These tools are simply options, and what works for one person may not work for everyone. I neither encourage nor discourage their use. Ultimately, the decision of how to use this information rests with you. The information provided regarding the use of supplements is for educational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice. It is crucial to consult with a qualified healthcare professional before starting any new supplement regimen, particularly if you have pre-existing medical conditions, are pregnant or nursing, or are taking medications. Supplements have the potential to interact with medications or cause adverse effects in certain individuals. Furthermore, the efficacy and safety of supplements can vary based on factors such as dosage, formulation, and individual response. Supplements should be approached with caution and should not be viewed as a substitute for proper medical diagnosis, treatment, or management of health conditions. Statements regarding specific supplements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Always adhere to the instructions provided by the manufacturer and consult a healthcare professional if you have any questions or concerns.
